Alternatives to Normal Back-Up Plans

After my freak out a few days ago, I got on the internet and started looking up (however asinine this is to search):

'alternatives to college.'

Yeah. And it was even a suggested search in Google. Which may or may not be a sign.

Anyway, I came across several things:

*Trade School - not for me. Although, it is a very viable path for many people, it's just not for me.

*Military - nope. Thinking about it makes my arms fall off. I am not cut out for military work.

*stepping straight into a job - tempting... but I don't have any sort of formal training so my options are pretty limited.

*Peace Corps - now... at first glance, an absolute no. At second glance...

WHY HAVE I NEVER EVEN CONSIDERED THIS BEFORE?

Problems:

*You have to have a college degree (at least an associates) and I am so sick of being in school, I could just spit.

*They don't go to Scotland. This isn't really a problem, just a bummer. I could do some youth development in Scotland! Sigh.

Awesome things:

*They give you an allowance and it doesn't actually cost you anything (beyond basic things).

*They give you money to transition back into US life once you get back. That's legit.

*It looks incredible on any resume. Come on. Who wouldn't hire someone who saved little children in Africa?

*It would allow me to travel like I have been itching to do since I got back from Scotland my sophomore year of high school.

Unfortunately, the college degree thing poses a problem. So... I researched this:

'alternatives to peace corps.'

And came up with:

Cross-Cultural Solutions

Global Volunteers

AmeriCorps

United Planet

Food First

Transitions Abroad

Serve Your World

America's Second Harvest

Points of Light

and my personal favorite...

Projects Abroad. Oh yes. It is incredible.

Awesome things:

*You don't have to have a college degree. It was first created for college kids such as myself who just need to take some time away. Gap year, they call it.

*You don't need prior training in most cases (unless you want to do medical relief).

*You are paired with a host family with at least one child who speaks english. This is such a relief because I cannot learn a foreign language in the time before I left.

*They only go to countries that are politically stable and provide ridiculously good amounts of security contacts.

*You are completely provided for.

*Every town they place volunteers has an internet cafe. That's a guarantee on their website. Seriously? How's that for foresight. Hello, Blog.

Problems. Nah, lets call them... things to consider:

*It does cost money... however, it is $4,000 total. Total. For everything. That includes plane tickets, bus fare, meals, housing, everything except extraneous spending money. That's amazing.

*I couldn't think of other problems.

So what would I do volunteering in a foreign country, you ask?

Well, I'm thinking about teaching english to kids. I don't want to be a teacher in life, but there is something about working with kids in a third world country that just sounds soul-rejuvenating.

Where would I want to go?

Morocco. Yes. I have wanted to go forever, which you may or may not know about me, and the program there is amazing.

When would I go?

Well, that's an excellent question... and a bridge I will cross at a later point. I would probably take some time to work and get money together. Which could take a while.

Why? Why this instead of say... Metro and just finishing my degree?

I have been and will always be a practician of instant gratification. I must have something to enrich my soul at all times or I am just miserable. So... I am exploring things that would do just that.

Isn't Morocco an Islamic nation?

Yes it is. It doesn't make me at all nervous, I would not run through the streets proclaiming Christianity, nor would I denounce or disrespect the religion of the nation. That is a no-brainer.

Maybe I should... take a deep breath and think about it?

Yup, I'm gonna think about it. But it is certainly an incredible back-up plan.

To Rant or Not to Rant... to Rant, it is.

I have mixed feelings about leaving the University of Northern Colorado, and this has only recently hit me. I used to feel grateful that I was finally getting out of Greeley and that was the only thing that mattered.

The other night, I was at a bar watching two of my friends play and it hit me while I was sitting there in the midst of about 20 awesome people: I am really gonna miss this place. I won't miss Greeley, or my mice infested apartment, or being an acting major, but I will definitely miss the people. Granted, a lot of the people that I will miss are seniors but the thought of never seeing some of them again is so terrible! How can you be close friends with people for two years and invest all this energy into maintaining awesome friendships and then never see them again?

Luckily, all of these people are going to be in 'the business' and it's not like I won't be able to look them up in the future... however, I'm not a famous director yet and I still have at least three more years in school. At a college that none of them went to.

Truthfully, I'm so sick of school. I'm probably going to fail biology and my semester GPA will be a 2.9. Which will definitely not look good for my acceptance to one of the best research science colleges in the nation. I don't really know what I want to do with myself... part of me just wants to hop on a plane to a foreign country the second I have money saved for a plane ticket. I don't remember being as happy as I was traveling in Scotland and it feels like I need to return to that. Study abroad would just prolong being in school... and as much as I would like studying something I like in a foreign country, especially Scotland, I don't want to be in school. The novelty of college ran out at the end of first semester Freshman year.

I have truly not had such a hard time in school since middle school, which sounds melodramatic but it's true. These past two years, with the exception of the friendships made, have been some of the most unhappy years of my life. And I have no flipping idea why. I thought it was the fact that I was unhappy acting, but that's just a little bleep on the radar.

I really do want to direct movies but I don't know if that's what I want to do most of all. I have many strengths: acting, drawing, filmmaking, dance, photography... all of which I love to do. Dance seems to make me the most happy but my body is in no condition to do it for a living. I don't like to act if it's not Shakespeare or something classical. I'm not a good enough artist to do that for a living. I love films but I realized while making one for class that it is a lot of work... and if I don't have a good team, it will probably be the most stressful thing ever. Photography is great, but you can't make money doing it.

What do I want? Well... I want to travel. Who is gonna pay me a lot of money to just travel? How do I get that kind of job right out of college? I don't know. I don't want to major in foreign policy or being a travel agent.

I always hear people say that 'college' isn't for everyone and I've never though of myself as the kind of person who doesn't go to college... but it's starting to sound more and more appealing. You can't major in 'Traveling to All the Places You've Ever Wanted to Go' but you can major in things like photojournalism... which just sounds like a lot of work. I don't want to write because I have to, or go to war-torn countries to take pictures of people in poverty but not help them.

I love writing, a lot, especially plays... but what money is there in playwriting, really? Not a lot, unless you are Edward Albee... and even he had to work his way up the ladder.

This is a very pessimistic post. It's not necessary to project my unhappiness onto other people, but I felt like an explanation was in order. I want to get out of Greeley because I need to be in a place that doesn't stifle my figuring out what I have to do next. If I don't get accepted to CU Boulder, I might be more grateful than sad... which is a very scary thought at this point. I just need to know what I want... because that's not very clear at this point. The only thing I know for sure is that I want to get out of Greeley and into a place that encourages creativity, not stifles it. Acting isn't for me and the drama that comes with going to UNC is definitely not worth getting a degree in something I don't want to do. All I ever hear is 'just stick with it, wait it out' but that's not how I work. If anything, that just stifles me. I don't 'wait things out', I do things now. I need a 'now' career.

I would like to go back to Europe... maybe I'll figure out what I want if I go back. Who knows.

VSH-Day: Victory over Stupid Holidays Day

I tried to wait until February to be bitter about the most loathesome, stupid, commercial Holiday that ever existed... but King Soopers just broke out the giant stuffed animals and I can't keep quiet any longer.

I don't hate Valentine's Day strictly because it's a Hallmark Holiday... I sort of hate it on principle. How could anyone ever think that a holiday devoted to love and relationships would be celebrated or enjoyed by people who are chronically single?

I guess I can really explain my hatred for this day because of one particularly sucky Valentine's Day. I won't get into it, but I really do think that one is all it takes to ruin an already stupid holiday for me. Besides, I'm never in a relationship and nobody (who isn't absurdly scary or obnoxious) ever likes me enough to give me something that doesn't make me want to vomit. I hate getting presents from people unless it's Christmas anyway, which is the only time we really should exchange gifts. (Mom and Dad, I'd still like a nice dinner on my birthday...)

It's not that I hate Valentine's Day because I'm single. Though this is a sucky truth, it's something that's a part of my life every day, so it's not like I'm not aware of it EVERY OTHER DAY OF THE YEAR. That being said, I feel as if I have many valid reasons for absolutely detesting February 14th.

First of all: Why do you need a reason to give your girlfriend/wife/lover/crush/the person you're stalking flowers/chocolate/jewelry/sports cars? Why can't you just do that on some random day? Why not for no particular reason when it's unexpected?

Also... Pink and Red, although in the same color family and separated by a simple pigment... they really look horrific together. I like pink. I like red. I do not under any circumstances like them together. It's like... Don't wear orange and blue unless you're watching a Bronco's game. And wear Pink and Red... never. Don't do that. It's like this: You don't wear two different shades of black together, that's tacky. So please spare me and leave these two colors separate. (Not like it's going to change just for me, but a girl can dream.)

This day is actually named for a Saint. Who nobody knows ANYTHING about. Ok, granted, there are many accounts of a Saint Valentine in history, but no saint named St. Valentine is credited with any sort of romantic or materialistic representation... that would by definition go against the religion under which he held sainthood.

Why not name it... St. Dwynwen's Day? She was the patron saint of lovers. As a young woman, she took the veil to serve God, even though she was in love with a young man. This forbidden love is at least SOMETHING like what we celebrate when we buy red vases and stuff them choc-full of pink roses for our loves. Ok... so Dwynwen's Day is a little bit of a tongue twister, but the point is, she was a saint actually related to love.

Or how about St. Helena? She's the patron saint of marriage problems, which in my opinion is a much more worthy cause than puppy love. At least if you celebrate her, you're working towards strengthening a relationship that you have committed to.

St. John Francis Regis is the patron saint of marriage, something I DO think is worth celebrating, even though I'm not married. (But believe me, if I could have a wedding without a groom, I would've had it yesterday.) I get that anniversaries are really the day for this celebration... but high schoolers celebrating their 6 month and ten day anniversary really just make me want to throw up, so I'd rather have a day devoted to people who are actually committed to each other forever.

Personally, I will now be celebrating St. Agatha's Day on February 14th. She's the patron saint of single women. And though I don't think this is something to celebrate necessarily, it at least makes February 14th seem like it has a purpose.

Another thing: Who decided what stereotypical kitsch would be sold en masse for people (really, men) to give? Giant stuffed animals? Didn't you get made fun of in middle school for having a teddy bear on your bed when your friends came over? I happen to have five on my bed now and I'm in college, but I'm an outlier in this statistic.

And chocolate? Dude. Giant boxes of chocolate should be reserved for people not in relationships or people who don't care about their weight. Cuz let me tell you from experience, a giant heart-shaped box of truffles goes straight to your hips. 'Here you go honey, I love you, have a bunch of chocolate that will make you gain weight.' How thoughtful. No.

Roses are expensive. I don't want roses unless you've seen me in a play or I'm getting married and since the first is the only probably choice here... No. Buy tulips if you insist (or she insists) on purchasing flowers but seriously, you're wasting your money. Unless you were born under a full moon with a silver spoon in your mouth in the money tree, then by all means.

Ultimately what I don't understand about Valentine's day is why the entirety of America celebrates it... (minus me of course.) What is the draw? Can you seriously not take time out of your life during the rest of the year and tell the person you love that you love them? Buy them jewelry for absolutely no reason in say... April instead? Take them out for a nice date night once a week or even just once a month? Why do you need an EXCUSE to show the people you love that you care?

I always feel a dark cloud hanging over my head on V-Day for a few reasons:

1. I am nervous that some random person will pop out of the woodwork madly in love with me and think that I like them too and embarrass me in front of my biology class or something. (p.s. if this happens... I'll just die.)

2. It makes me so anxious. It's like people expect something from you on Valentine's Day... like if you like somebody you're SUPPOSED to tell them in some big way. I don't tell people when I like them... it's just obvious, why do I need to conform and declare my feelings on a random February day?

3. People get engaged. Cliche. Yawn.

4. Christmas is ten times more romantic. Seriously. Nothing encourages bringing lovers together like feet of snow, a roaring fire, christmas lights, and hot cocoa. I'd rather have somebody propose to me around Christmas than on a day where the colors make me have a headache. (Green and Red don't ever go together except on Christmas... but they're an exception to the rule of asinine color combinations.)

5. It encourages ancient relatives to ask about your relationship status. And after you admit sheepishly that you're single, they monologue for a while about why it'll all be ok, why that person is just around the corner, why it's so silly that you aren't with somebody because you're so great! ...Thanks Great-Great-Grandma So and So, that REALLY makes me feel better.

Ultimately... I don't want my nose rubbed in the relationships around me. I'm happy for people who have found that person, but I don't need a reminder that I'm especially picky and intimidating. This year, I'm not going to be bitter on February 14th (I'm getting it all out now). I'm happy for you and your successful relationship. But St. Agatha and I are going to watch Lifetime in our pajamas and probably cry our faces off.

Why I Appreciate Twilight (And Why I Don't)

Lemme break it down:
1. It's written the way I think. It's not super wordy or overly languid, just like how normal people think. And while my favorite books are the kind smart people read (Pride and Prejudice, Brave New World, Dosteovsky), I like the series because I don't have to admire the writing in order to also enjoy the story. That being said, it's not my FAVORITE series of all time AND I think that Harry Potter kicks its butt. They're not even in the same league.

Harry/Ginny is SO much better than Edward/Bella.

2. An average girl who gets no real romantic attention before she moves to Washington is finally getting attention from not only the popular boys at her new school, but also the one guy no other girl can get. Let's be honest, what girl doesn't wish, even deep deep down, that she could go from seemingly 'average' to quite pursued. I always feel like I can relate to the things that Bella is feeling and that's the kind of book that I relate to the most. It's hard for me to write about my feelings, but if I can read about somebody who thinks the same way and who manages to get it all figured out, it's quite reassuring.

3. However much people disagree, I think Edward is one of the most considerate characters. In the first book, he lets her really settle into the idea of him being a vampire and gives her many opportunities to say 'no'. He leaves Bella in the second book to save her from himself. If he killed her, his entire family would have to move and the entirety of Forks would be devastated. (Hooray small towns) Not to mention the Quileutes would come after them with the vengeance of giant wolves. In the third book, he allows Jacob to be around her because she wants him there, even though it breaks the Vampire/Quileute (sp?) treaty. He does everything for Bella. In the fourth book, he has her marry him, not only because he loves her, but to try to convince her that she doesn't need to become a vampire to be with him for the rest of her life. He also saves her life after the birth of their devil-child.

4. There are true villains. Book 1: James. Holy crap! I was afraid of him! He scared me to death. 2: Laurent, and then Victoria: Not being able to defend yourself against stalking vampires is the creepiest thing ever. Book 3: Victoria again. I couldn't read it at night, it scared the crap out of me. She seriously was as evil as they come. Book 4: The Volturi and the frikin devil child that Bella's carrying. Not only do you think that her baby is going to eat her from the inside out, there's a powerful vampire coven counting down the seconds until Bella becomes a vampire. Either the baby's gonna be the antichrist and kill everybody, or Bella's gonna become evil and join the Volturi and kill everybody. The future possibilities in that book are terrifying.Left to Right: Laurent, James, Victoria

5. A book that is truly able to change my mind about someone, I think is genius. In Books 1-3 I HATED Jacob Black. I wanted him to burn a fiery death or have Edward rip his head off. But book 4 changed my mind about him! He was so protective of Bella and it made me see his reasoning behind everything; the way he treated her from the second they met, through the way he treated her after she is no longer the object of his affection. Now, I adore Jacob. I think he is so important to Bella, and I really appreciate him.
Not to mention, Taylor Lautner is QUITE attractive, as this picture indicates.

6. I love things that portray stereotypically bad people as the good guys: Example, the Cullens. They're a coven of vampires, all extremely powerful in their own right, and yet... they don't feed on people. Carlisle is even the town doctor and he saves lives every day. That's legit. Esme is like the best mother in the entire world. Alice can see the possibilities of the future and takes care of Bella while Edward is incommunicado. Jasper can help people feel calmer, angrier, whatever, just by altering their emotions. He's the only one of the Cullens who isn't totally perfect (after trying to attack Bella on her birthday when she accidentally cuts herself) and that's great. I don't like TOTAL perfection. Rosalie is the most beautiful woman in the world and she HATES Bella. What better conflict than your boyfriend's beautiful 'sister' hating your guts? Emmett is like Bella's big brother that she never had AND he can keep Rosalie in check. They're all (with the exception of Rosalie) very accepting of Bella and extremely protective of her, a kind of protection that her police sergeant father and wolf-man crush Jacob cannot provide for her.
(Other such bits of entertainment include: The Boondock Saints; assassins that you root for, Harry Potter; witches and wizards who are far superior to their regular human counterparts, Robin Hood; the thief who provides for the poor, etc. The list is long.)

Left to Right: Emmett, Rosalie, Esme, Edward, Carlisle, Alice, Jasper

7. I'm all about a good love story. I'm also all about a love triangle. I'm also also all about girls who choose the guy who's not the bad boy (In this case, I say that Jacob Black is more of the rebellious type). There's that stereotype that girls always go for the bad guy... but sometimes, the one you first fell in love with is the right guy. Edward Cullen, despite being a vampire, having cold skin, being especially stubborn, and being able to read people's minds, is a very considerate boyfriend/husband and he loves her very much. He is willing to sacrifice himself so that she can live. Literally. And I like that.

8. You know it's a good book when I can't put it down. I stayed up more nights finishing these books than almost any other series I've ever read (save Harry Potter.) because she's really good at cliff-hangers. and not just oh-read-to-the-end-of-the-

chapter-WHAT-THE-F-next-chapter-it's-answered cliff hangers, I mean like... SERIES LONG CLIFF HANGERS. thank GOODNESS I didn't have to wait as long as I had to wait for Harry Potter.

9. She has a kick-ass Dad. Charlie is seriously one of the greatest characters, not to mention that Billy Burke is my favorite part of the movies (he's really the only decent actor in the movies anyway). He's protective and has a reasonably strong bias against Edward after his daughter's undead boyfriend leaves her in the lurch and nearly gets her killed (more than once). He reacts like a real person, which cannot be said for every character in the series.

10. I like tight, happy endings. Let's be honest, Steph put a nice big pink fluffy bow on the last sentence of Breaking Dawn and I like it that way. I liked the epilogue in Harry Potter 7 and I like the last bit of BD too.

Ok, look: It's not a perfect series, and here's why:

I hate it when authors use stupid unusual names for characters. Rosalie? Esme? Rennesme? Stupid. Use names that people might actually recognize in daily life. Makes it seem less asinine.

Teenage angst. Though I personally suffered MUCH teenage angst (When I was a teen, hello 20), I don't wanna read somebody else's angst. So I skimmed over the angst. Bella's whiny.

Though many of the themes run through all four books, there isn't a driving force behind every single book. Unlike Harry Potter, where ultimately the goal is to vanquish Voldemort, there isn't a final objective (unless you wanna call Bella's weak want to be a vampire a goal... like I said, WEAK.). I hate it when books don't have something to work towards.

The only character I liked for awhile was Edward.

Book 2 was TORTURE. Not having Edward appear for hundreds of pages is like stapling your eyelids shut. (Unless you are Team Jacob, then you're just lucky AREN'T YOU.)

Bella seriously can't function without either Edward or Jacob and functions even LESS when they're both around.

Meyer doesn't follow the Vampire myths... which are damn good myths if you ask me. Sparkling in the sun is not a good substitute for say... burning up in the sun. The books would have a lot more worth if Edward couldn't save her during the day (think Bill's attempt to save Sookie in the season finale of True Blood first season.). Hell, the vampires don't even have fangs. Um... what?

so... yeah.

I'm NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT saying that this series is perfect! I'm not even saying that it's particularly note-worthy. I'm just saying that I personally like it. And you don't have to agree with me. In fact, I invite you to disagree.

How Television Let Me Down, Part 2

Tonight, at this very moment, I'm watching America's Got Talent and my favorite talent, Kari Callin, was not put through to the next round. Kari has a bi-lateral cleft palette which should give her a terrible speech impediment but instead she can sing like Barbra Streisand. She was the Susan Boyle of AGT for all intensive purposes and humble to a whit and yet... the yodling dominatrix made it to the next round. The 80 year old Elvis impersonator made it to the next round. The woman who used to be on American Idol who sang off-key her entire audition made it to the next round, but not Kari. I am BEYOND pissed.

In her audition, Kari told about a Cruise ship audition she had earlier in her life in which a judge told her that she wasn't what they were looking for before she even began singing. By not letting her through, the AGT judges were just proving that judge right. Kari's not good enough because of what she looks like.

Thank you, AGT, for choosing the gimmicks and the beautiful people over the truly talented. I'm glad that we can count on you to choose the people who are really deserving of the million dollars.

How Television Let Me Down, Part 1

One of my favorite shows on television is the NBC show KINGS; a modern-day interpretation of the story of David and Goliath. KINGS unfortunately was cancelled and the remaining episodes have been airing this summer. The fact that it was cancelled in the first place was heartbreaking to me. I say heartbreaking because just watching the season premier back in March got me so attached to the show that I bawled my eyes out in the first hour. The writing is a cross between Shakespearean and Biblical with a modern twist and I find it enthralling to the last. Although its hard for me to watch it regularly, I have been keeping up by watching it on Hulu and today I caught up to the latest episode, which I figured would be followed by another, until the season was entirely finished. I looked up KINGS on Wikipedia to see if I could cheat and find out what was to come in the season and I found out that the season I watched today was in fact the final episode.

....... excuse me.......

what?

I got emotionally invested in this show and watched it month after month for... nothing.

SPOILER ALERT: I will now proceed in telling you why in fact I am so upset about this.

In the final episode, David is on trial for treason (a trumped up charge from the mind of the King after finding out about David's feelings for Silas' daughter) and found guilty, despite the existence of evidence that can prove him innocent. While David is sitting in an underground cell on death row, Silas the King of Gilboa (the fictional Kingdom where the series takes place) is shot twice in an assassination attempt during a peace treaty ceremony. Despite the fact that David's death was scheduled for that very day, he is saved at the last minute from the firing squad by a few rogue members of the military and is brought back to the palace.

The majority of Gilboa assumes that the King was now dead and his son Jack steps up to take his place, despite the fact that there are no heavenly signs that he should be next to take the throne.

(KINGS is interlaced with highly biblical referrences, including two instances in which a crown of Monarch butterflies were sent to both Silas and to David Shepard as a sign from God)

Though David (the underdog hero and a low-ranking soldier who single-handedly takes out a Goliath brand tank on the battlefield) has been sent signs that he should be next to ascend, Jack and his bastard uncle William push forward with the coup and we find out that William was behind the assassination attempt all along and that every member of the Royal detail and Gilboan military is loyal to him, not to Silas.

Meanwhile, the King's body is 'stolen' from the ambulance that was transporting him to the morgue. David thinks that Silas might still be alive and the King's daughter (with whom David is in love with) helps him get out of the palace, which has been put on lockdown. David finds King Silas alive but struggling at the home of his Mistress, with whom he has a child, a young son.

Meanwhile, Michelle (the before-mentioned daughter) finds out that she is pregnant with David's child and her mother makes her swear not to tell anyone, including David.

Silas is able to broadcast a radio message to the people of Gilboa that he will return, guns ablazing, to take back his throne. David vows that upton Silas' return to the throne, the young hero will disappear from Gilboa forever.

William prevents Jack from exacting any orders as the heir apparent, instead making it clear that the only orders will come from him from them on. During the coronation ceremony for Jack, Silas appears in Gilboa again, healed, and walking down the middle of the street, alone. As he approaches the capital building and the palace, he meets the troupe that is guarding the palace and it appears that they will fire on him. Just then, a troupe of tanks appears, with David at the helm of one of them. Silas asks the soldiers if they would like peace under him or continuous war with Jack and they let him through. David and Silas storm into the palace and Jack and William flee, knowing that their death is certain if they stay. David leaves and heads for Gath, the rival country where he might find refuge.

Michelle is exiled until the birth of her and David's child and she can have no contact with him.

Silas takes the throne and preaches that he and God are now enemies.

AND THAT'S IT. AFTER MONTHS AND MONTHS OF WATCHING THE SHOW ABOUT A TYRANT KING AND A HEROIC YOUNG MAN... that's it.

I'm so incredibly disappointed, I can't even handle it. I can only hope that the 3 disc set that comes out in September will have the remaining episodes on it.

I got an A+ in Defensive Driving

In general, I find the human race to be completely hilarious as a species, and I am no exception. People do things every day that just make me laugh. We go through drive-thrus so we can get our meals in our car, never having to get out or even turn the car off. Heck, we don't even have to put the car in park.

Also, we are about to pass a law in Colorado that prohibits the use of text messaging while driving. We have to be so in touch technologically that we have to send text messages while we are driving big metal death-traps.

Drivers in general are humorous, bypassing any sort of common courtesy or logic and pulling out in front of one another, similar to a passing butterfly flitting under your nose. This can produce comically dangerous situations.

For example, while driving with my mom to look at furniture for my new (albeit small) apartment, I turned right at an intersection in Castle Rock (a BLIND intersection in front of McDonalds where there's a giant cement wall so you can't see around it) and nearly collided with the Fire Marshall in his big, red SUV (who I swear only turned on his siren after we nearly hit him.). In order to avoid the oncoming tanker, I quickly drove up onto the curb, ramming my wheel and hubcap into the sidewalk and narrowly avoiding the huge car (I drive a Toyota Echo; anything besides a Mini Cooper is HUGE by comparison to the little tin can I roll in).

Now I know you're supposed to pull over to the right for emergency vehicles, but this was extreme and potentially quite harmful to my mother, who I would like very much to remain alive.

Maybe I haven't mentioned this: The Fire Marshall was driving in the lane of oncoming traffic, instead of driving around the cars in the turn lane to the right, which was conveniently empty.

I ask myself this: Who does this guy think he is?

Then I remember that he's the Fire Marshall and I bite my tongue.

You can't sue a municipality but I would like to know why he has the right to endanger himself and his fellow man by taking liberties and driving in the oncoming traffic's lane. I can't imagine what sort of trouble I would've been in had we collided. I may have ended up with an engine in my lap and kissed any dreams of joining Riverdance goodbye. Who knows?

I just know this: Whether you're the President of the United States, Elton John, Joe Regular Guy, or the Fire Marshall, you are still held accountable for the safety of drivers around you. And for Ronald McDonald's sake, don't get into a wreck at a busy intersection in front of Mickey D's. There are not enough McFlurries in the world to save my baby putzer from the giant, red, fiery kiss of death.

***

Sidenote. I went to KFC with my Dad today (we stayed clear of the drive through and walked off all those calories by parking in the third string of parking spaces) and was stared at the entire meal by a young man. If you find someone attractive while they're eating fried chicken, it must be love, because if you've ever eaten corn on the cob and string beans and then smiled at someone you like, you know the dangers of mixing soul food and soul mates. Food for thought.