VSH-Day: Victory over Stupid Holidays Day

I tried to wait until February to be bitter about the most loathesome, stupid, commercial Holiday that ever existed... but King Soopers just broke out the giant stuffed animals and I can't keep quiet any longer.

I don't hate Valentine's Day strictly because it's a Hallmark Holiday... I sort of hate it on principle. How could anyone ever think that a holiday devoted to love and relationships would be celebrated or enjoyed by people who are chronically single?

I guess I can really explain my hatred for this day because of one particularly sucky Valentine's Day. I won't get into it, but I really do think that one is all it takes to ruin an already stupid holiday for me. Besides, I'm never in a relationship and nobody (who isn't absurdly scary or obnoxious) ever likes me enough to give me something that doesn't make me want to vomit. I hate getting presents from people unless it's Christmas anyway, which is the only time we really should exchange gifts. (Mom and Dad, I'd still like a nice dinner on my birthday...)

It's not that I hate Valentine's Day because I'm single. Though this is a sucky truth, it's something that's a part of my life every day, so it's not like I'm not aware of it EVERY OTHER DAY OF THE YEAR. That being said, I feel as if I have many valid reasons for absolutely detesting February 14th.

First of all: Why do you need a reason to give your girlfriend/wife/lover/crush/the person you're stalking flowers/chocolate/jewelry/sports cars? Why can't you just do that on some random day? Why not for no particular reason when it's unexpected?

Also... Pink and Red, although in the same color family and separated by a simple pigment... they really look horrific together. I like pink. I like red. I do not under any circumstances like them together. It's like... Don't wear orange and blue unless you're watching a Bronco's game. And wear Pink and Red... never. Don't do that. It's like this: You don't wear two different shades of black together, that's tacky. So please spare me and leave these two colors separate. (Not like it's going to change just for me, but a girl can dream.)

This day is actually named for a Saint. Who nobody knows ANYTHING about. Ok, granted, there are many accounts of a Saint Valentine in history, but no saint named St. Valentine is credited with any sort of romantic or materialistic representation... that would by definition go against the religion under which he held sainthood.

Why not name it... St. Dwynwen's Day? She was the patron saint of lovers. As a young woman, she took the veil to serve God, even though she was in love with a young man. This forbidden love is at least SOMETHING like what we celebrate when we buy red vases and stuff them choc-full of pink roses for our loves. Ok... so Dwynwen's Day is a little bit of a tongue twister, but the point is, she was a saint actually related to love.

Or how about St. Helena? She's the patron saint of marriage problems, which in my opinion is a much more worthy cause than puppy love. At least if you celebrate her, you're working towards strengthening a relationship that you have committed to.

St. John Francis Regis is the patron saint of marriage, something I DO think is worth celebrating, even though I'm not married. (But believe me, if I could have a wedding without a groom, I would've had it yesterday.) I get that anniversaries are really the day for this celebration... but high schoolers celebrating their 6 month and ten day anniversary really just make me want to throw up, so I'd rather have a day devoted to people who are actually committed to each other forever.

Personally, I will now be celebrating St. Agatha's Day on February 14th. She's the patron saint of single women. And though I don't think this is something to celebrate necessarily, it at least makes February 14th seem like it has a purpose.

Another thing: Who decided what stereotypical kitsch would be sold en masse for people (really, men) to give? Giant stuffed animals? Didn't you get made fun of in middle school for having a teddy bear on your bed when your friends came over? I happen to have five on my bed now and I'm in college, but I'm an outlier in this statistic.

And chocolate? Dude. Giant boxes of chocolate should be reserved for people not in relationships or people who don't care about their weight. Cuz let me tell you from experience, a giant heart-shaped box of truffles goes straight to your hips. 'Here you go honey, I love you, have a bunch of chocolate that will make you gain weight.' How thoughtful. No.

Roses are expensive. I don't want roses unless you've seen me in a play or I'm getting married and since the first is the only probably choice here... No. Buy tulips if you insist (or she insists) on purchasing flowers but seriously, you're wasting your money. Unless you were born under a full moon with a silver spoon in your mouth in the money tree, then by all means.

Ultimately what I don't understand about Valentine's day is why the entirety of America celebrates it... (minus me of course.) What is the draw? Can you seriously not take time out of your life during the rest of the year and tell the person you love that you love them? Buy them jewelry for absolutely no reason in say... April instead? Take them out for a nice date night once a week or even just once a month? Why do you need an EXCUSE to show the people you love that you care?

I always feel a dark cloud hanging over my head on V-Day for a few reasons:

1. I am nervous that some random person will pop out of the woodwork madly in love with me and think that I like them too and embarrass me in front of my biology class or something. (p.s. if this happens... I'll just die.)

2. It makes me so anxious. It's like people expect something from you on Valentine's Day... like if you like somebody you're SUPPOSED to tell them in some big way. I don't tell people when I like them... it's just obvious, why do I need to conform and declare my feelings on a random February day?

3. People get engaged. Cliche. Yawn.

4. Christmas is ten times more romantic. Seriously. Nothing encourages bringing lovers together like feet of snow, a roaring fire, christmas lights, and hot cocoa. I'd rather have somebody propose to me around Christmas than on a day where the colors make me have a headache. (Green and Red don't ever go together except on Christmas... but they're an exception to the rule of asinine color combinations.)

5. It encourages ancient relatives to ask about your relationship status. And after you admit sheepishly that you're single, they monologue for a while about why it'll all be ok, why that person is just around the corner, why it's so silly that you aren't with somebody because you're so great! ...Thanks Great-Great-Grandma So and So, that REALLY makes me feel better.

Ultimately... I don't want my nose rubbed in the relationships around me. I'm happy for people who have found that person, but I don't need a reminder that I'm especially picky and intimidating. This year, I'm not going to be bitter on February 14th (I'm getting it all out now). I'm happy for you and your successful relationship. But St. Agatha and I are going to watch Lifetime in our pajamas and probably cry our faces off.