I have mixed feelings about leaving the University of Northern Colorado, and this has only recently hit me. I used to feel grateful that I was finally getting out of Greeley and that was the only thing that mattered.
The other night, I was at a bar watching two of my friends play and it hit me while I was sitting there in the midst of about 20 awesome people: I am really gonna miss this place. I won't miss Greeley, or my mice infested apartment, or being an acting major, but I will definitely miss the people. Granted, a lot of the people that I will miss are seniors but the thought of never seeing some of them again is so terrible! How can you be close friends with people for two years and invest all this energy into maintaining awesome friendships and then never see them again?
Luckily, all of these people are going to be in 'the business' and it's not like I won't be able to look them up in the future... however, I'm not a famous director yet and I still have at least three more years in school. At a college that none of them went to.
Truthfully, I'm so sick of school. I'm probably going to fail biology and my semester GPA will be a 2.9. Which will definitely not look good for my acceptance to one of the best research science colleges in the nation. I don't really know what I want to do with myself... part of me just wants to hop on a plane to a foreign country the second I have money saved for a plane ticket. I don't remember being as happy as I was traveling in Scotland and it feels like I need to return to that. Study abroad would just prolong being in school... and as much as I would like studying something I like in a foreign country, especially Scotland, I don't want to be in school. The novelty of college ran out at the end of first semester Freshman year.
I have truly not had such a hard time in school since middle school, which sounds melodramatic but it's true. These past two years, with the exception of the friendships made, have been some of the most unhappy years of my life. And I have no flipping idea why. I thought it was the fact that I was unhappy acting, but that's just a little bleep on the radar.
I really do want to direct movies but I don't know if that's what I want to do most of all. I have many strengths: acting, drawing, filmmaking, dance, photography... all of which I love to do. Dance seems to make me the most happy but my body is in no condition to do it for a living. I don't like to act if it's not Shakespeare or something classical. I'm not a good enough artist to do that for a living. I love films but I realized while making one for class that it is a lot of work... and if I don't have a good team, it will probably be the most stressful thing ever. Photography is great, but you can't make money doing it.
What do I want? Well... I want to travel. Who is gonna pay me a lot of money to just travel? How do I get that kind of job right out of college? I don't know. I don't want to major in foreign policy or being a travel agent.
I always hear people say that 'college' isn't for everyone and I've never though of myself as the kind of person who doesn't go to college... but it's starting to sound more and more appealing. You can't major in 'Traveling to All the Places You've Ever Wanted to Go' but you can major in things like photojournalism... which just sounds like a lot of work. I don't want to write because I have to, or go to war-torn countries to take pictures of people in poverty but not help them.
I love writing, a lot, especially plays... but what money is there in playwriting, really? Not a lot, unless you are Edward Albee... and even he had to work his way up the ladder.
This is a very pessimistic post. It's not necessary to project my unhappiness onto other people, but I felt like an explanation was in order. I want to get out of Greeley because I need to be in a place that doesn't stifle my figuring out what I have to do next. If I don't get accepted to CU Boulder, I might be more grateful than sad... which is a very scary thought at this point. I just need to know what I want... because that's not very clear at this point. The only thing I know for sure is that I want to get out of Greeley and into a place that encourages creativity, not stifles it. Acting isn't for me and the drama that comes with going to UNC is definitely not worth getting a degree in something I don't want to do. All I ever hear is 'just stick with it, wait it out' but that's not how I work. If anything, that just stifles me. I don't 'wait things out', I do things now. I need a 'now' career.
I would like to go back to Europe... maybe I'll figure out what I want if I go back. Who knows.
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